


A Step Towards Peace

by Strongindependentcheesecake



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, Other, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 19:04:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19751917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strongindependentcheesecake/pseuds/Strongindependentcheesecake
Summary: A day that started fine turns bad. Patton suffers. Explicit self harm and harmful thoughts





	A Step Towards Peace

**Author's Note:**

> A day that started fine turns bad. Patton suffers. 
> 
> Tw: Explicit self harm  
> Harmful Thoughts  
> Hiding emotions
> 
> This is a vent fic so let me know if I didn't think of any that are in here.

It had been a good day. 

Then Patton's brain decided that it shouldn't be. 

It was that simple too; there'd been no inciting incident, just everything being fine until it wasn't. A part of him that remembers what Logan always tries to teach him notes that not only is the way he feels not his fault, but it is also not a burden he has to bear alone. He briefly entertains the thought of going to another side to talk.  
I don't wanna bother anyone.

So he just tries to focus on the white noise from the fan next to his bed rather than the voices in his head, telling him what he already knows.

_All you do is hurt them._  
You could duck out and they'd be better for it.  
It would be easier to bear if those wounds on your hip reopened. Better yet, add a new one. 

The last thought actually appealed to him, because he could focus on reality with a fresh burn on his hip. He got up and went over and grabbed his lighter and a pocketknife Thomas' father had given him as a child.

He moved the stretchy waistband of his khakis ( _He couldn't even wear respectable pants_ ) over his ( _Too fat_ ) hip. He takes a moment to admire/grimace at the cherry petal scars he'd left from this act of practically branding himself as **not ok.**

He flicks open the knife with one hand and ignites the flame in the other, trying to ignore the way his brain is screaming about how he can't even self-harm like everyone else.

_You either cut with the knife or burn with the flame, not this pussy branding bullshit._

He had just put the heated metal to his skin with a hiss, feeling a fresh, deep, blister beginning to form when he was summoned.

On the way up he pulled the knife away and his pants up, and put the knife away in one quick, fluid movement. He didn't want to disappoint his family after all.

_If you **really** loved them, you wouldn't need to hurt yourself._

That thought made him wince a small bit. He tried to love the others, hard enough to fool them, and even himself. He managed to school his expression before anyone could notice.

"Hey guys!" He crinkled his nose for a moment, he sounded to perky to his ears. However, the others likely wouldn't notice it. He went ignored enough to know that much.

"This isn't an issue **Patton** can solve, Thomas!" Patton couldn't help but feel a twinge at Logan's words.

"You're probably right Logan, but why don't you let me take a crack at it?" The logical side, that Patton had always looked up to- he hadn't been kidding when he called him his hero for Fitting In- rolled his eyes and scoffed quietly.

"Thomas is feeling inferior because he was posed a riddle and he finds he cannot solve it."

"Oh." Patton was hit with grief. It would have been if only Logan and maybe one other side had been there, but everyone was there. Even Remus and Deceit. He had been the only one that hadn't been invited, a last resort at best, though given Logan's reaction to his presence, he was more like the unwanted nuisance.

"Yes Patton, 'oh.'"

"Well you're right, as always Logan. I can't help figure this out. You will though, you always do. I'll just go back to my room. Bye guys!" He sank down to lackluster goodbyes. He wanted to believe that they were just preoccupied, but he couldn't help but think they just hadn't wanted him there in the first place. 

Once he was fully back in his room, he simply took the knife out of his pocket and put it on his desk, next to the lighter. He knew he'd probably want to use them again later, but for now, the impulse had abated. So he just turned on his tv, sat on his bed, hunched over in a way that Logan would chastise him for, and just stared into nothingness, not even in the direction of the tv.

He has no idea how much time has passed when he came back to reality, but it had been at least a half hour, as a different show was on than when he'd turned on the television. It took him a minute to realize what had roused him, but he immediately felt guilty once he had.

Virgil was knocking at his door, calling for him. It seemed like he'd been at it for a minute. Just as he was getting up to answer his dear friend, he heard another voice, Roman.

"What's up, Fran-tic Drescher?" Patton was pleased that Roman sounded genuinely curious, even concerned. He had worried about how to of his closest friends had fought, so he was relieved that they got along better. That they needed him less.

"I just wanted to talk to Patton, but he's not coming to the door."

"He's probably taking a nap, don't worry about it." Patton didn't want to dwell on the way his heart sank at that.

"I hope not, his sleep schedule's bad enough without him sleeping during the day." He frowned at the fact that Virgil sounded worried. He didn't want to worry his friends. He chose that moment to go open the door, swallowing his disappointment at himself for eavesdropping on his friends.

"Hi guys, what's up?" He had a big smile plastered on and his voice was as perky as it ever was. He felt a little proud of how good he was getting on hiding his pain from his friends. That meant they didn't feel bad over him being down.

"I just wanted your advice about something. Can I come in?" Virgil sounded a little closed-off, like he didn't want to say anything in front of Roman, which admittedly made him a little sad.

"Yeah Virge! Come on in." He took a step back, clearing a way for Virgil, shooting Roman a smile before closing the door and turning to his kiddo..

His friend that was looking directly towards the desk, where the knife, covered in the black that comes from heating it, and a little of his blood.

"Pat, please tell me this doesn't man what I think it does."

"I don't know what you mean." He surged forward, making sure to keep it from looking rushed, and put the knife and lighter both into a desk drawer. He then turned around, leaning on the desk and faced Virgil.  
"No Patton, you don't get to do that. Have you been hurting yourself? Was that what you were doing when you were summoned?"

"I don't want to talk about this. What did you want advice on? I'll help if I can, though Logan might be a better choice."

"I wanted to check on you, you seemed kind of disheartened earlier. I guess this was more necessary than I thought." Patton tried not to curl in on himself as Virgil's voice got cold.

"I'm fine, kiddo." Virgil just stared.

"Really, I'm okay. Don't worry." He jumped a screeched a little when Deceit appeared.

"Yeah, I was wondering when he'd drop in. You're not a great liar Pat."

"Yes and while I **definitely** want to be here, maybe you should **not** just tell Virgil about how you're feeling. He certainly **won't** understand or help you, and it's **completely** healthy to do this to yourself." Patton looked at Deceit a little confused, as the snake like side looked stern, almost parental.

"You're not the only side that acts like a parent, Pat. Now please." Patton took a fortifying breath before answering.

"I'm so sorry Virgil. I didn't want to hurt any of you. It's easier to keep things to myself, get a new scar and zone out for a while." His voice was so even, so monotonous that it was alarming even to him. That alarm however, was dull, buried.

Virgil's though, was sharp, and displayed on the surface. He rushed towards Patton and enveloped him in a tight hug.  
And just like that, Patton broke and started to sob into the darker sides arms. And not quietly either. No, these were not small sobs, but wails. They were full of apologies and pain that had been bottled up for far too long. Patton wailed and cried and alternated between hitting Virgil's sides out of inner pain and squeezing him so hard to try to ground himself. And through it all, Virgil was there, holding just as tight as Patton needed, whispering soothing words and lowering them slowly to the ground when Patton's knees buckled.

After Patton calmed down some, wails turning to whimpers, virgil picked them both up and carried Patton to the bed, where they layed and he waited for Patton to stop crying, then wake up, as he'd fallen asleep once he stopped crying. When he did, they talked. Patton showed Virgil all of his scars, on both hips nd even a few small ones on the back of his neck. He cried then too, albeit less dramatically. He promised that he'd go to Virgil or another side if he ever felt the impulse to hurt himself.

When all was said and done, he could only be proud that he had made a step towards peace.

**Author's Note:**

> Like I said, this is a vent fic. I have some issues, and yes, I definitely have experience with the kinds of thoughts in this fic and the ways of (not) dealing with them that I have Patton use. If you feel this way, please talk to someone. I'm here for you if you need me. My Tumblr handle is the same as my AO3.


End file.
